yoo happy valentines day everyone. I hope everyone has someone special to share such a special day with, after all we wouldn't want the clubbing and then decapitation of Saint Valentine to be unhonored. Woo!

happy birthday. Another year passed me by, and i feel even less now than i did before. Oh world you harden my heart one day at a time. Where do i have to go, where do i have to be, for me to feel like this fucking place makes even a little sense. Im not going to come back, theres nothing left for me here.

Perhaps ignorance is bliss but i would rather be pained and aware than blind and happy. Today i am 20. I never tasted my birthday cake. My party was not mine. In the movie "Fresh" Chucky put it best, saying; he'd be surrounded by his family and friends, but with all the commotion going on he felt lonely. "the more people there is, there lonelier it gets."

I wish i was simple like some of my friends. For them happiness is so easy to find. They find it in videogames, or in pot, or in a girl. For me its more difficult; none of these things seem to be able to make me feel content. I dont even know what i want.

Right now a girl lies in my bed sleeping. Perhaps she intended to fuck me for my birthday, that i do not know. As it were, i spent the latter hours of my evening holding her hair out of her face as she expunged the contents of her stomach all over (not in) my toilet.. Its alright though. For tonight, im happy enough to have someone to share my bed with. Maybe thats the only kind of happiness i can hope for; the short little bursts which keep me pushing from one bleak day to the next.

I know my meloncholy is relative, and that if i were to truly experience a serious trauma i might want to slap my current self for being melo dramatic. But the fact remains that i am dissatisfied with my life, with my friends, with everything.. And worst of  all i dont know if theres a fuckin thing i can do about it

thoughts is best kept to themselves